How to be a Complete Idiot

The term "idiot" comes to us from the Latin idiotes (someone who is ignorant), which in turn derives from the Greek idiota which means "a private person", or "someone who is solely interested in themselves." So, it may be said, to be an idiot is to care only for oneself, and remain ignorant of others.

Sure, we are all idiots to some degree, since we are mainly interested in ourselves and our own lives. But to be a complete idiot, is really not as simple as it may first appear, and requires a single-mindedness and attention to detail many of us lack. You may find yourself from day to day becoming aware of others for minutes at a time, thinking perhaps for one instant that they are similar to you, or may have needs more pressing than your own. You must banish such thoughts from your head forever.

On the road to complete idiocy, one must observe 3 basic rules, or tenets:

• Cater obsessively to your own needs, however small or trivial.
  
• Hold others responsible for your life and happiness.
  
• Make yourself blissfully unaware of the very existence of other people except as scenery in your own little world.

The best way to become an idiot is not so much in the reading or thinking, but in the doing. In fact, thinking may lead to a drop in idiotic behaviour and should therefore be avoided. Practice being an idiot every day. When you are seen to be an idiot or doing something strikingly idiotic, others may exclaim, "What an Idiot!"   This is the greatest encouragement.

Examples of idiotic behaviour

• The turn signal is perhaps the greatest indication of an idiot there is. If you use a turn signal, you are clearly thinking about others on the road and forsaking self-absorption. Remember, using a turn signal requires effort on your part, so just leave it however you find it. (a very advanced technique requires the turn signal to be on at all times, but this must be a happpy accident. sure, people will think you are a masterful idiot if you do this on purpose, but you will know you're just a poseur).
• Change lanes as often as is convenient and drive at a speed which is comfortable/thrilling for you.
  
• Use your horn. Use it often. When picking someone up at home, pull up in front of the house (stay on the street, so you can easily pull away) and honk your horn. This saves you having to turn off the engine or get out of the car. This has the added feature of making everyone on the block responsible for getting that someone into the car, while you luxuriate in the comfort of the vehicle.
  
• Park in handicapped spaces, they are so convenient.

• doorways: stand in front of doorways to check what is in your pockets, smoke cigarettes, or talk to your friends.
  
• escalators: much like doors, the landing of the escalator is an excellent place to stop for thought, look around, and plan what to do next.
  
• checkout lines: do not remove any money from your pockets until the bill has been rung up. When you know the total, carefully check all your coins to see if you can make exact change. If at any time you don't have exact change or enough money to pay the bill, always ask the cashier to make an exception for you. If you don't have enough money, take your time to select appropriate items to return. Ask for a new total after each returned item. When receiving change, count it carefully and cross-check item prices against your bill. Do not move from your position until you are completely satisfied with your transaction.
  
• bank machines: do all your banking at once on thursday or friday, when you get out of work.
  

As you practice, the rules will become ingrained and you will no longer need to think of them at all. You will soon see that the art of the idiot is not to think -- even about being an idiot. The true idiot simply does idiotic things, and remains blissfully unaware.